Apparently this is what a mid-life crisis in your thirties is called and seemingly more and more woman are hitting their mid-life crisis in their thirties compared to men in their forties. The jury is out on whether we take a second hit later on.
I've been in what can only be described as a complete and utter funk for about three weeks now and I honestly feel wretched. Mr M alerted me to the fact that it could be a mid-life crisis after listening to a Radio 2 show the other day which described it as "the moment when you realise that life can't and won't live up to your expectations". For me the overriding feeling is "Is this it? Is this all my life is going to be? Am I never going to achieve anything more?".
The feeling of waking up everyday and knowing that this is all that life has in store for me has been dragging me down recently and I know from Googling the subject, I am not alone. A recent survey revealed that mid-life crisis's are now the second most commonly quoted reason cited to divorce lawyers as the cause of marital breakdown. Fortunately I have a very understanding and tolerant husband!
For years we've been told that we can have it all, anything is possible, but is it? Really?
The catalyst, as it is for most people, is work. Dedicated and loyal to the small company I have worked for many years, I work hard for the short time I am there each week but I'm starting to feel despondent. "What am I doing this for? There's nowhere for me to go". I get no recognition and I've progressed as far as I can in the job. My short working week (am on part-time hours) means I will never be promoted, and opportunities and chances to develop are never passed my way anymore. I feel anonymous and like the work I do doesn't matter to anyone. I could increase my hours, go back full-time when my children are both in school however this would mean my children being in before and after school care, 5 days a week from 7.30am-6.30pm and that's clearly not going to make anybody happy. Sure, I could leave and do something else but I am trapped by the pay which is near double what I'd get anywhere else and the time I would have to invest into establishing myself into a new career would again mean my children miss out something that they need - me.
It's hard to know whether it's purely work-related or whether it's just that generally I feel completely unfulfilled. Being a mum is probably the most rewarding experience of my life but it's also one of the most frustrating in many ways. On paper, I should be happier now than I was several years ago - we have more money, we have beautiful children and my social life is improving massively but I still feel like something is missing.
So I've come to the realisation that the problem here is ME. I've made my bed and now I've got to lie in it. I guess there are many people who are happy to just go to work and earn their money. I however always wanted a career, but I also always wanted a family. I'm not convinced that women can "have it all", well not without huge compromises anyway and I need to find some way of accepting that, yes, this is actually my lot. Ouch.
Apparently a good way of looking at this time in your life, the thrisis, is not as a mid-life crisis but as a transition phase or a mid-life adjustment. One where you find your true path or route in life and can learn to be happy.
I'm no nearer to pulling myself out of this thrisis so any suggestions, words of wisdom or virtual slaps would be much appreciated, but in the meantime I'm off to buy myself a yellow Porsche and nab myself a 21 year old bit of totty.
Mrs M x
love & kisses